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Product Review!

A new review from our favorite anonymous sexy mama!

It was time to try the Amazing Hot Heart Massager and the Intimate Organics Sensual Massage Balm--but who would get the first turn? "Raise your hand if you're a massage therapist," I said, and my husband, who is a massage therapist, laughed and lit a candle.

Now, I have to say, if you're planning a sensual experience with your partner, then you should actually test the Hot Heart beforehand. Because it is so cool that it's actually distractingly cool. It's a pink-gel-filled vinyl heart--it looks like a romantic ice pack--only when you flex the little metal disk inside of it, the surrounding gel turns white and hard and then these crystals spread, as you watch, to the edges of the heart. It's like a stop-action film of an ice age coming, only in reverse. And there we were, naked in the glow of the candlelight, sitting up to say, "That's so cool!" and "Wow, let me see!" I honestly can't imagine how it works. (Afterwards, you boil it in water and it returns to its cool liquidyness, ready for the next use.)

Anyways, once we got over the Chemistry-101-ness of it, we could concentrate on the job at hand, which was pleasure. Now I will say that I had wondered about this massager. Products from sexy stores that are called "massagers" often turn out to be things you're supposed to stick in here or there or put batteries into, and so I didn't want to be stupid about the Hot Heart and miss out on any of its sexier applications. But I am under the impression that it is a massager in the more traditional sense, kind of like hot stones. (Please--someone correct me if I'm wrong. I'll be embarrassed but glad to know.) My husband laid the Hot Heart on the small of my back, where I enjoyed its delicious warmth, while he scooped up some of the buttery massage balm.

Now, again, the distraction factor kicked in for me. We'd gotten the Sensual Cocoa Bean and Goji Berry fragrance, and holy moly--it smells incredibly edible (it's not). But also like something I couldn't quite put my finger on. In second grade I once had a berry lip gloss that came in a little chocolate-shaped pot, and it smelled kind of like that. Also, it suddenly occurred to me, like these Joyva chocolate-covered Raspberry Jelly Rings that we used to get as kids. This was not the sexiest association--despite the name "Jelly Rings"--and so I kept it to myself.

The combination of the Hot Heart, which my husband slid around from spot to spot, and the absolutely delicious fragrance of the balm was divine. My husband's professional opinion was that the balm was a great product: rich and buttery and perfect. And unprofessional me, lying there in a cloud of cake-scented warmth? I could not have been happier. Or more open to his ideas. The kind of ideas that a professional massage therapist doesn't usually think to share with you.